I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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