On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
