i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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