I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
