Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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