The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
