I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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