They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize