Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
