I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
