i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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