Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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