Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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