Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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