Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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