too bad you live with your parents still
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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