when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I cut my penus on the lid.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Still dying that you shit outside
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
