New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize