his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
