there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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