I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
