How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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