Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sext me about skeletons
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
