My liver just broke up with me...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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