Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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