I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
