I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Apparently you make a good broom.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
