just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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