Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
