I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
