I wanna passion pit in your ass
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
