Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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