Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
