you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
