Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
