I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
