Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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