When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
