It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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