Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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