I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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