I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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