Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
