That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
