Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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