Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize