yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
