Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
