his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
