FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
