you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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