You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
