I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
