i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize