The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
