Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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