I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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