Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
