The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
