I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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