You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
