her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
