Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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