one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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