His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
