Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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